In 2018, I discovered I struggle with anxiety. I have always been told that anxiety is not a mental health illness. While it is true that everyone can struggle with anxiety. For example, if you have an exam, a financial problem or any other problem, you probably get worried and scared. That is 'normal anxiety'. When you have loads of fears for no reason, for example, you are afraid of people's thoughts or you are afraid that something will be happening and many other fears. 'The fears' are strong enough to control you. This means that you start to sweat, start to feel dizzy, have headaches, difficulty sleeping, a pounding heart rate and many other symptoms.
Although you might see me that I seem to be normal or okay like everyone else I have a lot going on around me. In this project, I focused on where it all started which was at home, therefore, I wanted to self-portrait at home and around the area of my home. In this project, I explored anxiety in a photo series of eight photographs. How it starts, to how it progresses.
Thank You,
Petra
1/8
First, I feel the anxiety inside me. This means that I get lost in thoughts and tell myself that I can control my anxiety.
2/8
Then my brain continues to think of random thoughts and makes me undeceive. Although, at the same time, I have to do something.
3/8
I don't know how I manage to get out of bed, but I still don't manage to work, study or do something. The brain does not let me work, study or do something because the brain is afraid of failure.
4/8
Then again, I don't know how I manage to get the things to actually do something or sit in front of the piano, but still, the brain does not let me work, study or do something. The fear of failure becomes even stronger because the brain starts to tell me that it's useless if you try it if you are going to fail.
5/8
Therefore, I give up and get up and leave the place. At the same time, my thoughts worsen. I start to get afraid of the future, afraid of people's thoughts, afraid that something bad will be happening and many other random fears. Also, I start to ask questions which cannot be answered.
6/8
Since the brain fills up random thoughts, random fears and random questions, I get completely lost. At this point, 'the fears' are strong enough to control me. Without knowing I start to take heavy breaths, my hands start to tremble, starts to feel hot and if I would be alone I would cry too.
7/8
I manage to leave with all my fears but still, I'm not okay with myself.
8/8
Then I realise that I'm not okay and remind myself to say, "It's okay not to be okay, but it's okay to be okay too." Then I get better.